the year that was

i began my life here in chico alone. then good things happened, and i carved a little niche for myself here. things changed this semester, and now i will end my life in chico just as i began it. alone.

today, i went to mass, and spent the majority of the hour crying in a corner of a pew.

okay, first off...the museum exhibit is behind schedule. the class hasn't been putting enough effort in, and dr. schaefer has gotten to the point where she is more concerned with the floor being clean, than with labels being peer-reviewed and made, so the exhibit has gotten VERY behind.

personally, things have been rough for me, and it being this weekend, i was ready for a break-down, and was surprised when it didn't happen friday night, or saturday afternoon. however, during my drive back to my room from the museum, it happened. i wept.

i realized that i didn't have my usual weekend cry, because i have been so busy trying to please everyone before the semester ends, apply for a job, and prepare to move back to houston, all while i try to get the museum exhibit on any sort of road to progress.

on my drive home, i had enough time to actually think. and then my throat started to close up and my eyes started to well up.

today, i thought i might be okay. until i went to mass, and the priest starts off the first sunday of advent by saying, "looking back on the past year, if things are exactly the same as last year, something's very wrong." i had mixed feelings about his statement, because a year ago, things were definitely different for me. i was happy, in love, and looking forward to spending a very happy christmas thursday with my someone before heading home to houston. i can't believe how, a year later, things couldn't be more different for me. i'm alone and confused, and have no idea what direction i'm supposed to move in.

so, i thought about this throughout mass, and wept silently in my corner of the church. i thought about how much i wanted the past, and how i much i can't stand the term "full-circle."