damn the man

today i was offered a job--a job i applied and interviewed over three weeks ago for--and, in my desperation for money, i took it. i know that i should be grateful for an opportunity to work, but now i feel depressed.

i feel like now i am stuck and committed to a job that i am not entirely interested in. i just wanted to make some money. granted, this job is in an actual museum, however, now i'll be working in an office and that's something i don't really want to do. i really want to research, design, fabricate, and install exhibits, not work in the membership office doing data entry. yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's my position...well, actually, i don't know know if the "position" even has a title, because all i've ever heard it referred to is "data entry position," not that i should be hung up on titles anyway. i just hate to think that i've spent four years and $65,000 getting an M.A. to do data entry.

okay, okay...so i know about "the secret" and the big hullabaloo being made on "oprah" about it, but i just find it difficult to think that things happen for a reason and "be the change you wish to see in the world," and all that. i would love to "make a request to the universe" and say, "universe, i want an exhibit design/exhibit tech job that pays at least $12 an hour, or whatever that is salaried, and i would love to have someone love me and wish that the people who said 'we'll hang out when you get back' actually follow through with their promises," but i just don't think that i have much faith in the universe at this point. things are really stressful, and i just can't get to the point where i can toss 20 plus years of pessimism out the window and adopt an optimistic frame of mind. i'm sure it's possible, but some things are easier said than done.

i guess, when it comes down to it, i'm just scared that i am going to be doing this job for a while, because i'm loyal and empathetic, and i can't bring myself to ever tell someone who had the sense to hire me for a job, "sorry, i found something better. i'm giving my two weeks notice." i don't want this job to hold me back from doing something way more fulfilling, just because i need money right now...especially when my 10 year reunion is coming up and everyone is out of school, has a decent job, and has started their own family. i feel progressively retarded, because here i am, still in school, jobless (sort of), alone, and living with my parents!

i know i shouldn't care about what other people think, and shouldn't compare myself to other people, but, who are we kidding? it's inevitable! i'm half filipino, and as much as people don't believe it, it comes with the culture. every filipino family is in silent competiton with each other. parents use their children to one-up all their relatives and friends. it's disgusting, but that's what i've been born into, and unless you have too, it's hard to understand. in some twisted way, i feel like a failure, because i don't think my parents can brag about my brother and i the way my uncle gerry constantly does with his kids. yeah, my parents are special, because they are somewhat of a hybrid, but i can tell sometimes, and it hurts. i can tell that my parents are kind of at the bottom of the barrel because their son is a server at a restaurant and their daughter is still in school, not making $50,000 a year, and living at home. i wish that my parents could brag that my brother was brilliant, working a good job, paying a mortgage, and expecting his first child, and that i had my own place, was in love, and was paying for my own cell phone bill. unfortunately, neither my brother nor myself are fully functional people, and it sucks.

they've done nothing wrong, and i just hope that they are proud of something.