i hate being right...

my suspicions were correct, and now i am down in the dumps. i may have been a rebound girl for two years. stories keep changing and i don't know where the new conflicts and plots come from. i don't know if i ellicit fear in the one person i love and would do anything for, and that's why these things happen. i don't know if my not being next to him physically, and, therefore, emotionally, makes these things happen. i have no real answers, and i get none in return. i have many, many questions. ultimately, my constant whys leave me depressed and confused.

i want someone to love me, not because they have to, but because they choose to. i want a connection to someone on this planet--a connection that wasn't created by birth or blood. i want someone to love and take care of, someone to share the world with.

i'm tired of being alone and lonely, especially now when i seem to be surrounded by people who are engaged, married, having babies. in situations where i am around all of that, which seems to be all the time, my singledom appears to be magnified. it's all too much, especially for me and the culture i've been brought up in. i can't go on the internet or turn on the tv without being bombarded by news of some celebrity or celebretard getting married or creating offspring. i also can't go to a simple family gathering without being asked when i'm going to get married, regardless of first asking whether i have a boyfriend or not.

sadly, i fear i am turning into one of those desperate women who wants love and will take it in whatever form it manifests itself. again, i just want a caring human connection, and i don't want to be a sad, desperate cow. i think the potential depseration comes from feeling young, but being biologically old, if i listen to doctors and medical professinals in books and television. after 27, my chances of having a seriously damaged child begins to grow exponentially, and i don't know if i could handle having an imperfect child, in a perfect-centric filipino culture. i mean, hell, i'm imperfect by still being in school, and i get a lot of criticism and scrutiny for that. a child with downs syndrome, 11 fingers, or red hair would get 100x more for that, and that scares me.

i'm not saying that i want a baby, but i do want to be loved, but having a baby just to have someone to need me is sick. i acknowledge that, and i sure as hell wouldn't want to force anyone to need or want me, regardless if they would otherwise be helpless. i'd just like to know that should i leave this world behind, that something of me would remain and remind the world that i existed. i may not have done what i was meant to do, or i may have been invisible, but i want to leave something of hope and potential greatness behind. whether that be a child, a piece or art, a blog, i don't know. we'll never know.

there is a line in some movie i recently saw, about it not being who you are with but when you are with someone that leads you to want to be with that person forever. for example, it's not someone bringing out the best in you that leads you to get married, but, rather, that there is a time in everyone's life when a switch gets turned on and they are ready. and whoever they just so happen to be with at that moment is the person they are with forever.

i want to be that person for the one person who seems to be the source of my incessant questions. i want to be that person to the one who makes me cry every night while i question my self worth. i want to be that person because we made sense and everything seemed wonderful. i want to be that person because i remember being happy with him after being unhappy or melancholy for a good period of my life. i want to be that person for him because i love him just the way that he is.

but i don't know why that person can't see that. i don't know why me as i am isn't enough.

think tank...

sometimes i wish i didn't think so much. i drive myself crazy with my thoughts. for example, i was going to go somewhere out of state soon, and i was invited to stay with someone, which got me excited. but, two days ago, i happened upon this someone's social networking site, and saw two pictures of this person with another person, and now i am confused by the invitation.

my brother says they are just friends. my friend cesar says that if they aren't kissing, it's nothing to be obsessing about. but can't body language and facial closeness be an indicator that there is something there? granted, i don't know who this person in the pictures is, but i have pictures of myself with the inviter, and our faces are close, and we were in love.

i had my hopes up, and now they are not only ripped to shreds, but also torn into millions of little pieces and set on fire upon anthills where all of the tiny organisms scramble around trying to create normalcy again.










in not so depressing news, i wish i had a talent like the creator of the first video below. watch both video at the same time to best appreciate the effort...

more favorite things...

two days ago, i discovered a wonderful genre of films, of which i am now a HUGE fan: mumblecore!

i watched hannah takes the stairs last night, and it is definitely my kind of film. i'm trying to find an audio recording of "1812 for 2006," just so i can use it as my ringtone. you can hear the song at the beginning of the trailer:



i'm very interested in what else the director, joe swanberg, has created.

so...i can't remember what was on my long list of favorites, but just in case papa-sans, ticket stubs, blockbuster total access, and celestial seasonings gingerbread tea aren't on there, they should be.

oh, and if i really do move, i need this:

i LOVE this!!!

again...Diggnation brought this to my attention:

so bad...

courtesy of Diggnation...

17

the kids i tutor should be scared.

love it...

freedom...

so, a week ago, i mailed my thesis to dr. fox.

it's weird. for the past five years, i have done nothing but think about doing a thesis. this is the first time in a LONG time that i haven't had to do any major thinking about it. for the past seven days, i haven't had to come home and write anything. wow.

in the end, the thesis was 193 pages (103 pages of text and 90 pages of references and appendices). i'm sure, after rewrites, the thesis won't grow to more than five extra pages. however, after formatting and binding, the thing may end up being anywhere between 250 and 300 pages. i've never actually looked for the biggest thesis in the university library, so i have no idea how the graduate school will handle my massive tome. hopefully i won't be chastized for it.

but, anyway, i'm proud of what i've written. five years of classes, internships, and work all culminating in this one paper. the biggest moment of my life...so far. the other day, i talked to my favorite uncle, and proudly told him i finished. i expected congratulations or something, but, instead, i got the following response: "now you can get married."

what? are you kidding me?

i really feel like i'm being ostrasized by my family for having pursued academics, and not a husband. it's not like i purposely wanted to put a personal/romantic life on the backburner to learn more and increase my brainpower. i went into a grad program because my BA was useless. no one knew what the hell maritime studies was, and even the university couldn't tell me what i could do with the piece of paper they gave me. rather than sit around and be depressed and blame the school for my inability to get a job, i decided to go to grad school. bottom line: i went to grad school so i could get a job and become a functioning contributor to the GDP.

for family members to reduce my decision down to a method of putting off getting married is just maddening to me. because i don't want to be alone. i want to be in love. i want to have my own family. i just want to also be a full person who is not reliant on someone else for financial support and an identity. i want to contribute to the world.