my suspicions were correct, and now i am down in the dumps. i may have been a rebound girl for two years. stories keep changing and i don't know where the new conflicts and plots come from. i don't know if i ellicit fear in the one person i love and would do anything for, and that's why these things happen. i don't know if my not being next to him physically, and, therefore, emotionally, makes these things happen. i have no real answers, and i get none in return. i have many, many questions. ultimately, my constant whys leave me depressed and confused.
i want someone to love me, not because they have to, but because they choose to. i want a connection to someone on this planet--a connection that wasn't created by birth or blood. i want someone to love and take care of, someone to share the world with.
i'm tired of being alone and lonely, especially now when i seem to be surrounded by people who are engaged, married, having babies. in situations where i am around all of that, which seems to be all the time, my singledom appears to be magnified. it's all too much, especially for me and the culture i've been brought up in. i can't go on the internet or turn on the tv without being bombarded by news of some celebrity or celebretard getting married or creating offspring. i also can't go to a simple family gathering without being asked when i'm going to get married, regardless of first asking whether i have a boyfriend or not.
sadly, i fear i am turning into one of those desperate women who wants love and will take it in whatever form it manifests itself. again, i just want a caring human connection, and i don't want to be a sad, desperate cow. i think the potential depseration comes from feeling young, but being biologically old, if i listen to doctors and medical professinals in books and television. after 27, my chances of having a seriously damaged child begins to grow exponentially, and i don't know if i could handle having an imperfect child, in a perfect-centric filipino culture. i mean, hell, i'm imperfect by still being in school, and i get a lot of criticism and scrutiny for that. a child with downs syndrome, 11 fingers, or red hair would get 100x more for that, and that scares me.
i'm not saying that i want a baby, but i do want to be loved, but having a baby just to have someone to need me is sick. i acknowledge that, and i sure as hell wouldn't want to force anyone to need or want me, regardless if they would otherwise be helpless. i'd just like to know that should i leave this world behind, that something of me would remain and remind the world that i existed. i may not have done what i was meant to do, or i may have been invisible, but i want to leave something of hope and potential greatness behind. whether that be a child, a piece or art, a blog, i don't know. we'll never know.
there is a line in some movie i recently saw, about it not being who you are with but when you are with someone that leads you to want to be with that person forever. for example, it's not someone bringing out the best in you that leads you to get married, but, rather, that there is a time in everyone's life when a switch gets turned on and they are ready. and whoever they just so happen to be with at that moment is the person they are with forever.
i want to be that person for the one person who seems to be the source of my incessant questions. i want to be that person to the one who makes me cry every night while i question my self worth. i want to be that person because we made sense and everything seemed wonderful. i want to be that person because i remember being happy with him after being unhappy or melancholy for a good period of my life. i want to be that person for him because i love him just the way that he is.
but i don't know why that person can't see that. i don't know why me as i am isn't enough.
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I know how you feel kavabuggy. Though I cannot even begin to feel your pain after being in that situation in the long haul. I was seeing someone, I was willing to try, but she wasn't but she wasn't willing to end it either. So she ended it, and I was actually happier for it.
I assume that the movie you heard that quote from was Definitly, Maybe. Another one you outta check out is The Holiday. One of the protagonists is the "second woman" in a man's life, who realizes she needs to become the first woman in her own life.
I think you need to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. I know, it's easier said than done, I'm guilty of comparing myself to others as well. The thing is, every person's life is different, every person is different and some people need someone in their life that is more than just their "other half". Others seem to just step out and find their Mr. or Mrs. right, but that doesn't always turn out as "happily ever after" either.
It's important to get these feelings and confusions out of your heart and head and onto paper or even the internet. It helps put things into perspective, I'm going to favorite you, and I'll check up on occasionally. You take care, and remember your not alone.
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