yikes!

tomorrow is the big day. in 24 hours, i will be saying the first sentence in the presentation of my thesis research (hopefully to just my committee, and not a major crowd of 40 people).

right now, i'm proofreading my thesis and gathering information from it to put together a powerpoint presentation. yeah, i know...i'm STILL working on my thesis?!!! i'm just really scared. i hope to have it all put together and ready by mid day today, so i can print it off at kinkos and stick it in a binder. i just want to relax and practice my presentation.

anyway, when i'm not in my motel room working on my thesis, i'm driving around town. sadly, everywhere i see and feel him. i was hoping for a "good luck" call or something, or a change of heart. nada. being freinds goes both ways, right? so, don't friends call each other up and say, "good luck tomorrow?" especially when it isn't just some regular generic luck you're wishing on some regular generic day? this is my friggin' thesis defense! this one presentation is what the past four years comes down to. i was in chico this whole time for this very moment. i was able to meet him because of this moment.

i understand that when relationships are new, you don't think properly, and you're mind is consumed with getting this person to like you (so that you can eventually get in their pants, i guess), but i hope that i meant something to him in those two years and that i'm a nice enought person to be cared about. i mean, hell, i'm sending congratulatory cards and gifts to him all the time to say, "yay, you! yay for getting a new car/job/apartment/being you/being alive/etc."

i don't know, i think that in this screwed up world i live in, i'd like to think that i matter to someone, that i made my mark somewhere, and someone will think of me. and i don't mean my mom or dad or brother. i'd like to think that when he does little things, like, washes the dishes, puts on a shirt i gave him (unless he's thrown out everything i ever touched), or reads "entertainment weekly," he thinks of me and remembers something winsome or endearing about me. i want to know that should anything ever happen to me, i mattered. to someone.

a new obssession...part deux

i went to mass this morning to pray for a good defense. the newman center was the only church-type place here in chico i felt comfortable with my religious worship. the priest seemed open and caring, and not so traditional and strict. father mike at the newman center wore shorts under his robe and always remembered that i was a texan. he never did homilies about how all of us are doomed to go to hell, be us loose women, muslims, homosexual, alcoholics, or junkies. unlike those "saviors" who would come to campus and congregate at the free speech area twice a year and lecture the students about how CSUC was the devil's playground.

anyway, the newman center has a different priest whose name, i kid you not, is blaise. today, in the homily, he told us that he needed to get better at doing his prayers of devotion. any priest who can admit his imperfections and seem like he's just like me is a-okay.

after mass, i had every intention of going to my storage unit to get a jacket and some extra clothes. i didn't realize it was going to be cold here still. yeah, i went to school here for three and a half years, but i don't ever remember it being this cold in april. cool, but not cold. i guess i forgot to put my storage lock key in my bag, because i didn't have it. so, i hit up the trader joe's again for some food.



i still have a salad and the cranberry pumpkin loaf left to eat, but i thought i would need something more. i decided to get a few things that would last through the end of the week, so i wouldn't have to go out to a fast food place. fast food and restaurants are pretty expensive here, so i'm trying to avoid them. anyway, so, today, i bought a bag of vegan trail mix cookies (soooooo good!), a BBQ chicken salad, a tuna sandwich on multigrain bread, 5 layer dip, some organic carrots with organic buttermilk ranch dip, celery with peanut butter dip, and a bag of unsalted organic white corn tortilla chips. i can't wait to eat lunch.

pizza, pizza...

i did it. after a year and a half, i went to celestino's and ordered a slice of godfather. it looks a bit strange, but, i swear, it is delicious (and i don't even like tomatoes!).


i was introduced to this pizza by my friend heather in the fall of 2004. she and i were student-curating the museum of anthropology's national photo show ("rhythm of culture"). we'd been at the museum all day, and by 4pm, we were starving. she asked if i would be interested in a pizza, and i said sure. she asked about toppings, and i really didn't care at that point, because i was so hungry. about half an hour later, the pizza arrived at the museum, and she brought it to the museum kitchen/library. i must admit, when she opened the box, i was a little shocked and dejected that it didn't have pepperoni on it. heather is a vegetarian, and it didn't dawn on me until after she opened the box that there never would be pepperoni on the pizzas heather orders.

anyway, i didn't want to hurt her feelings, so i took a slice (and the slices are pretty big...i barely finished the slice i ordered today!), and nibbled a bit off the end. not bad. that nibble turned into huge botes, and i ended up finishing the entire piece. the slice satisfied my stomach, and it definitely becamse easier to finish mounting the photos in the gallery with a full belly. we finished mounting the photos, positioning the gallery lights, and arranging the furniture at around 830pm, and decided the exhibit was ready, and we could leave.

since heather rode her bike to the museum, there was no way she could carry the pizza box home, so she asked if i wanted to bring it back to my place. the pizza was good, and i was a typical college student (still am), so there was no way i'd pass up free food, espceially pizza! i also assumed that my roommates would appreciate being fed. so, when i got back to my place, i put the box on top of the stove with a note on it that read, "have a slice. enjoy!"

well, about half an hour later, i hear one of my roommates loudly declare, "eww...that's nasty! if your pizza's moldy, throw it away!" this roommate, kelli, didn't realize that what she thought looked like mold was actually pesto. after i told her that, she decided to try a slice. another roommate, rachel, also took a slice, and since then, rachel and i have always ordered a slice of godfather at celestino's. it's so good.

the end.

the more things change...

so, i am back in chico for my defense. it's slightly depressing, yet also somewhat comforting being back in this town.

it's depressing because i remember when i was happy here. now it seems pretty lonely. things have changed here, and they've changed without me knowing. i feel slightly disconnected from this place, even though it's been a big part of the last four and a half years of my life.

roaming around this place, i haven't seen anyone familiar. it's strange. everyone seems new, things seem new, and no one knows who i am. i didn't leave my mark. i am inconsequential.

it's comforting to know that i know this place--what it really is, where it really is. i was able to drive here from the sacramento airport on autopilot. i got here without really thinking, "how do i get there?" it took me a little under two hours.

as i passed the "welcome to chico" sign, i was still on autopilot. i was able to turn where i needed to turn, and i ended up right where i needed to me. on esplanade. i feel like i know my way around chico more than i do houston.


the first place i hit up was trader joe's for something to eat. trader joe's is a cool little grocery store that is sort of like a whole foods, without being trendy. the prices are reasonable, and the food is awesome. the servings aren't big, but it's not like you need another helping after you finish what's on/in your plate/bowl/container.



i bought two salads, some BBQ chicken pinwheels, a loaf of cranberry pumpkin bread, some iced tea lemonade, dark chocolate covered raisins, and a strawberry yogurt parfait. all trader joe's brand. before your eyes bug out, i plan on eating this stuff over the course of a few days. except tonight. tonight i plan to go to celestino's--a pizza place right on the edge of campus--for a slice of the best pizza ever, a slice of godfather. the godfather pizza is made with pesto, sun-dried tomatoes, and a type of cheese i always forget the name of. the pizza looks a bit weird, but it's good. i'll take a picture of it later.

my defense is on tuesday. i just keep telling myself that: dr. fox and dr. schaefer are on my side. they wouldn't have me defend if i weren't ready. the defense is an initiation, a rite of passage. a formality. they won't deny me my degree. i will get it, and i WILL graduate. i will be proud of myself, as i did this entire M.A. thing my own. i made a life for myself here. i got the jobs here, found love here, found my own family of friends here. i found myself here.

here's to tuesday...hope everything goes right.

stressball...

with my thesis defense being about a week and a half away, i am stressed out beyond belief. i need something--ANYTHING--to get my mind off of the terror i feel.

perhaps the boys of diggnation can help...

irksomeness 101...

• comedy series that have laugh tracks...i don't like when a program indicates when i am supposed to laugh. my sense of humor is drastically different from conventional sitcoms.
• when people either don't put their signal light on when they turn, or people who never turn their signal light off.
• people who are incapable of admitting imperfection.
• people who name their children jagger.

matt and me...

a picture of matt nathanson and i, taken in march of 2004.





his latest video for come on get higher can be seen here: http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/MattNathanson/Come-On-Get-Higher--58270857

fierce...