tomorrow is the big day. in 24 hours, i will be saying the first sentence in the presentation of my thesis research (hopefully to just my committee, and not a major crowd of 40 people).
right now, i'm proofreading my thesis and gathering information from it to put together a powerpoint presentation. yeah, i know...i'm STILL working on my thesis?!!! i'm just really scared. i hope to have it all put together and ready by mid day today, so i can print it off at kinkos and stick it in a binder. i just want to relax and practice my presentation.
anyway, when i'm not in my motel room working on my thesis, i'm driving around town. sadly, everywhere i see and feel him. i was hoping for a "good luck" call or something, or a change of heart. nada. being freinds goes both ways, right? so, don't friends call each other up and say, "good luck tomorrow?" especially when it isn't just some regular generic luck you're wishing on some regular generic day? this is my friggin' thesis defense! this one presentation is what the past four years comes down to. i was in chico this whole time for this very moment. i was able to meet him because of this moment.
i understand that when relationships are new, you don't think properly, and you're mind is consumed with getting this person to like you (so that you can eventually get in their pants, i guess), but i hope that i meant something to him in those two years and that i'm a nice enought person to be cared about. i mean, hell, i'm sending congratulatory cards and gifts to him all the time to say, "yay, you! yay for getting a new car/job/apartment/being you/being alive/etc."
i don't know, i think that in this screwed up world i live in, i'd like to think that i matter to someone, that i made my mark somewhere, and someone will think of me. and i don't mean my mom or dad or brother. i'd like to think that when he does little things, like, washes the dishes, puts on a shirt i gave him (unless he's thrown out everything i ever touched), or reads "entertainment weekly," he thinks of me and remembers something winsome or endearing about me. i want to know that should anything ever happen to me, i mattered. to someone.
About the KavaBuggy
- kavabuggy
- Houston, TX
- Wishing to become one of the following: a stand-up comic, a pirate, the love of someone's life, a wizard, an international spy or ninja, Lara Croft (minus the humongozoid boobs), or the frontperson of a band. Currently, working to pay off huge amounts of debt due to a little thing I refer to as "Satan's Shenanagins," but conventional theory would simply refer to it as "Graduate School." My expertise lies in thinking way too much, laughing, being celibate, acting like a nutter, and saying things that somehow elicit one of two responses: "You're so funny!" or "Whattha??! Huh?" Basically, my expertise lies in anything that ultimately results in my feeling alienated from the human race (C.F. an inferiority complex). As with the grand tradition of obnoxious personal weblogs, I too am offering you a taste of my bad poetry, prose, and other random snippets.
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