d-e-p-r-e-ss-i-o-n...

yeah, so the depression is still there.

i'm getting slightly irritated by work. basically, i go for the kids. there's no judgment there, because i'm old enough to command respect, but young enough to be able to relate to them. they enjoy my company, and getting a bit of learning done in the process is just a bonus. or so they tell me.

anyway, so, i feel that because i'm not rejoining the program in june and during the next school year, no one talks to me. my supervisor vickie, and the other tutors wes and eva, seem to have their own little clique going on, and i am not welcomed into their conversations. oh, and vickie is pregnant (again) and hates that the last pair of kids i tutor clean the dry erase boards with clorox wipes when they're finished for the day. apparently the smell makes her nauseous. i can understand that. sometimes i get sick from it too, but the smell goes away, and the kids like that they're helping me out. i welcome it, but i don't force them to do it. i just tell them that time's up, and they start putting everything away and cleaning up on their own. i don't know...i'm kind of pissed with vickie, because, rather than tell me she's pregnant and ask me to cease having the kids clean until she leaves the room, she whispers to wes and then gags and is overly dramatic about the smell and leaving the room. i don't understand why she just didn't say something the first time she felt sick. why let it continue and fester unless your intention is to alienate someone? i don't get it. perhaps i'm reading too much into things. whatever.

i don't think that i'm an unreasonable person, nor do i think i constructive criticism would drive me to suicide. i believe that, due to hypodescent and being raised predominantly as asian, i'm easy to talk to. so, what the hell? like i knew she was pregnant? i can't read minds, and i sure as hell am NOT going to assume someone is pregnant or not based on a little bit of a pudgy belly. she just had a baby in august! how the hell was i supposed to know that she was pregnant again?

for some reason, even vickie being pregnant again irritates me. that, coupled with the discovery that my 19 year old cousin secretly had a baby last sunday irritates me. it's just another slap in the face reminding me that i apparently repel men, have withering insides, and am destined to be alone. ugh.