well, hey there, depression! i remember you!

so, i've been back in houston for about four days, and depression has hit. i thought that after acquiring my M.A., i'd be less melancholy, but, it turns out, the high i was experiencing from being freed of the thesis burden has disappeared.

in chico, it seemed like everyone understood and recognized my accomplishment. that was some tough shit i put myself through, and it was a big damn deal to survive. i have never felt that anyone i know or am related to got it. i've talked about this issue with dr. schaefer, dr. fox, adrienne, heather, and melanie, and it seems that the consensus is thus: only people in academics understand the strength it takes to go through the grad school process, and only people in academics understand the congratulations that are in store for people who go through a thesis and defense.

wonderful.

now that i am in houston, no one cares. the people i work with, my family, friends...i'm so invisible that no one acts like i even left. the only person who has been at all supportive and understanding of my decision and difficulties has been my aunt grace, who i am not even that close to. she got an M.A. in literature or english, and she's the only person who sent me christmas and birthday checks because she knew i needed the money, and, today, she congratulated me by sending me two dozen roses via proflowers.com. i am grateful for the acknowledgement, but i honestly wish that people i thought i was close to would do the same thing. i got emails from various people across the nation, but only because i sent them emails letting them know about my day. if i hadn't done that, again, no one would have even known, because, again, i am invisible to all those who should matter in my life. it is quite frustrating, especially when you consider that if it were something related to a guy or a baby, then i would be recognized.

anyway...

so, to cheer myself up, i tried to get in touch with my old self--the self who would go to music stores and buy cds of random people she doesn't even know. so, i walked out of best buy with the below cds; however, with the advent of amazon and itunes, i'm able to "sample" tunes and read reviews before ripping off the plastic wrap. before, i used to be stuck with a crap cd because i would never really know if the nice cd artwork was indicative of good music. or, at least, music i would like.

tapes n' tapes-walk it off
the hush sound-goodbye blues
fields-everything last winter
marie digby-unfold
spoon-gimmie fiction
jeremy fisher-goodbye blue monday

yeah, so, i walked into best buy to pick up a cd by oren lavie, but they didn't have it, so i decided to get the spoon cd. i was intrigued by the "hear 'em first" and new release section, so i looked at those and grabbed the tapes n' tapes (who i have heard of, but have never heard their stuff) and marie digby cds. after sampling music on itunes, i may return tapes n' tapes, the hush sound, and fields. i still have to do more research before i make a final decision. well, i'm definitely returning tapes n' tapes. despite the hype, i think they suck. it's not my music. i'm into less raw, garage band-quality sound. it seemed really gritty, like they recorded the music with a cassette player. whatever. what the hell do i know? i just know that it's $8, and i kinda want my money back. at the moment, i'm not in the mood for tapes n' tapes. i don't want to rock out. i just want to curl up in a ball or smile.