Wednesday, December 31, 2008

the last day of 2008...

i swear i am NOT on drugs. i have never done illegal drugs, nor have i ever abused prescription drugs in my life. i have no crazy addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, etc. in fact, i could be classified as mormon, were it not for the scarcity of biracial mormons in this world. i'm fine being part of a minority, but i don't want to make up the entire population of said minority. i could also be a nun, were it not for my inability to distance myself from my most treasured material things (i.e., my pillow, converse sneakers, iphone, macbook, old photos, and books). anyway, i only mention drugs because i have just read this post (yes, this is paragraph is from a different moment in time than the following paragraphs), and i end it as though i am a child of the 60s. or the offspring of henry david thoreau and emily dickinson.

so, on this day, the last day of 2008, i must admit that things are not well. i realized that at the end of this year, only one great thing happened. i finally got my master's degree. maybe two things, i guess...i had that tutoring job and felt useful to the world. now, things couldn't be in a bigger mess. mentally, not in a good head space. physically, i'm not fat, but i'll be 30 soon, and i feel like i need to work towards an active lifestyle, or i will get huge and develop even bigger complexes pertaining to my self worth and relation to people. emotionally, i'm confused. i might be bipolar, i don't know. that might just be my hypochondria talking, but i have health insurance now, so maybe i can see a doctor and get my head filled with medical worries.

i grow increasingly frustrated with my job, all due to hurricane ike displacing me to the purgatory of the offshore energy center's main office in houston. yes, i wasn't too fond of galveston, but there were two co-workers in galveston i didn't mind so much, and i felt like i was doing something. it might not have been saving the world, but i was applying everything i learned (and paid for) in grad school to actual museum work. hmm...

on this last day of 2008, i also realize that i constantly make poor decisions, which lead to being victimized along the scale of which one can be victimized. the hurricane. christmas being stolen (oh...did i mention that when it happened? must have been only on twitter. well, some asswipe broke into our house between 100-230am on christmas morning and stole gifts from under our tree) by some neighborhood grinch. money stolen from me in february. my credit cards stolen and used in july. there is an unwritten laundry list of wrongs against me/us. it's just been one fun time after another.

surely i don't bring it upon myself!? i was there during the "secret" craze, i watch oprah. i understand that universe action/reaction thing, but i swear i'm not always "woe is me, universe bring all your bad tidings upon me. have someone come to me and steal my american express, capital one, and usaa cards and charge $1135 at gas stations and bars across houston on them!" no way. i do not believe that me questioning if an ex has feelings for me or thinking about my loneliness makes all of this stuff happen. but i can't explain how it happened other than it did. i am aware that it happened. i only hope that it ceases to occur in 2009, and that it's yet another string of life/path that bring me to whereever else i'm supposed to be going.

i hope 2009 is better. for all of us.

Friday, December 12, 2008

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Check out the top two replies in the above picture. Awesome.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Friday, December 05, 2008

My 30th birthday is in 35 days.

Oh, what fun.

Monday, November 24, 2008

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Awww...someone already has their Christmas Tree!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Damn kids be tearin' up my exhibit!

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

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I don't want to be flamed, but, as a multiethnic person myself, it is important to me that President Elect Barack Obama be recognized as a person of multiple ethnic heritage, rather than just "black."

Sunday, November 02, 2008

No idea what the tag means, but if the only way it got there is by someone writing upside down, it's kind of impressive.

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Saturday, November 01, 2008

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I'm working, on a Saturday, helping out with a teacher workshop. Part of what I do at these things is help set up by laying out a breakfast spread. Anyway, I got in a bit of a tiff with one of my co-workers, about the date on a juice bottle. She wanted to make sure the juice was still good, and she didn't think the date on the bottle reflected this. The bottle read, "Nov 1908." Immediately, she read that at the month and year, rather than the month, DAY, then last two digits of the year.

Now, I don't know what surprised me more, the fact she thought she bought a pre-1908 bottle of juice at the grocery store, or that she thought Minute Maid juice from that era came in plastic, modern-looking jugs.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

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Work...

Since June, I've had a new job. I graduated at the end of May, and about a week and a half later, I started a job as Manager of Museum Programs--a job I applied for in February, and got without a real interview.

Anyway, because of the hurricane, I've been relocated to the offices of the nonprofit that runs our museum. They want to justify paying me, and, since the museum is not operational now, I do this and that at the office...mostly collections work. Right now, I'm archiving some photos from the past six years. Over the past two days, I've only gotten through about 1000 photos. And I have 1500 more to go.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Well, it's been a while...

I haven't gone on the Internet much, now that I have a smartphone and find that my laptop takes too long to boot up. I guess it's all the music, videos, large programs, and photos that are making it sluggish. To sort of get back in the habit of coping with life and blogging, I decided to try out CellSpin, which is supposed to allow me to blog from my phone. We'll see how this works out, but keep in mind that I'm using a cell phone to do all of this now, so there WILL be MASSIVE amounts of typos!

Hmm...it's funny how I write all of this as if there are more than a handful reading this thing...

Monday, April 14, 2008

d-e-p-r-e-ss-i-o-n...

yeah, so the depression is still there.

i'm getting slightly irritated by work. basically, i go for the kids. there's no judgment there, because i'm old enough to command respect, but young enough to be able to relate to them. they enjoy my company, and getting a bit of learning done in the process is just a bonus. or so they tell me.

anyway, so, i feel that because i'm not rejoining the program in june and during the next school year, no one talks to me. my supervisor vickie, and the other tutors wes and eva, seem to have their own little clique going on, and i am not welcomed into their conversations. oh, and vickie is pregnant (again) and hates that the last pair of kids i tutor clean the dry erase boards with clorox wipes when they're finished for the day. apparently the smell makes her nauseous. i can understand that. sometimes i get sick from it too, but the smell goes away, and the kids like that they're helping me out. i welcome it, but i don't force them to do it. i just tell them that time's up, and they start putting everything away and cleaning up on their own. i don't know...i'm kind of pissed with vickie, because, rather than tell me she's pregnant and ask me to cease having the kids clean until she leaves the room, she whispers to wes and then gags and is overly dramatic about the smell and leaving the room. i don't understand why she just didn't say something the first time she felt sick. why let it continue and fester unless your intention is to alienate someone? i don't get it. perhaps i'm reading too much into things. whatever.

i don't think that i'm an unreasonable person, nor do i think i constructive criticism would drive me to suicide. i believe that, due to hypodescent and being raised predominantly as asian, i'm easy to talk to. so, what the hell? like i knew she was pregnant? i can't read minds, and i sure as hell am NOT going to assume someone is pregnant or not based on a little bit of a pudgy belly. she just had a baby in august! how the hell was i supposed to know that she was pregnant again?

for some reason, even vickie being pregnant again irritates me. that, coupled with the discovery that my 19 year old cousin secretly had a baby last sunday irritates me. it's just another slap in the face reminding me that i apparently repel men, have withering insides, and am destined to be alone. ugh.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

well, hey there, depression! i remember you!

so, i've been back in houston for about four days, and depression has hit. i thought that after acquiring my M.A., i'd be less melancholy, but, it turns out, the high i was experiencing from being freed of the thesis burden has disappeared.

in chico, it seemed like everyone understood and recognized my accomplishment. that was some tough shit i put myself through, and it was a big damn deal to survive. i have never felt that anyone i know or am related to got it. i've talked about this issue with dr. schaefer, dr. fox, adrienne, heather, and melanie, and it seems that the consensus is thus: only people in academics understand the strength it takes to go through the grad school process, and only people in academics understand the congratulations that are in store for people who go through a thesis and defense.

wonderful.

now that i am in houston, no one cares. the people i work with, my family, friends...i'm so invisible that no one acts like i even left. the only person who has been at all supportive and understanding of my decision and difficulties has been my aunt grace, who i am not even that close to. she got an M.A. in literature or english, and she's the only person who sent me christmas and birthday checks because she knew i needed the money, and, today, she congratulated me by sending me two dozen roses via proflowers.com. i am grateful for the acknowledgement, but i honestly wish that people i thought i was close to would do the same thing. i got emails from various people across the nation, but only because i sent them emails letting them know about my day. if i hadn't done that, again, no one would have even known, because, again, i am invisible to all those who should matter in my life. it is quite frustrating, especially when you consider that if it were something related to a guy or a baby, then i would be recognized.

anyway...

so, to cheer myself up, i tried to get in touch with my old self--the self who would go to music stores and buy cds of random people she doesn't even know. so, i walked out of best buy with the below cds; however, with the advent of amazon and itunes, i'm able to "sample" tunes and read reviews before ripping off the plastic wrap. before, i used to be stuck with a crap cd because i would never really know if the nice cd artwork was indicative of good music. or, at least, music i would like.

tapes n' tapes-walk it off
the hush sound-goodbye blues
fields-everything last winter
marie digby-unfold
spoon-gimmie fiction
jeremy fisher-goodbye blue monday

yeah, so, i walked into best buy to pick up a cd by oren lavie, but they didn't have it, so i decided to get the spoon cd. i was intrigued by the "hear 'em first" and new release section, so i looked at those and grabbed the tapes n' tapes (who i have heard of, but have never heard their stuff) and marie digby cds. after sampling music on itunes, i may return tapes n' tapes, the hush sound, and fields. i still have to do more research before i make a final decision. well, i'm definitely returning tapes n' tapes. despite the hype, i think they suck. it's not my music. i'm into less raw, garage band-quality sound. it seemed really gritty, like they recorded the music with a cassette player. whatever. what the hell do i know? i just know that it's $8, and i kinda want my money back. at the moment, i'm not in the mood for tapes n' tapes. i don't want to rock out. i just want to curl up in a ball or smile.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

i'm back...

prepare yourself for a LONG entry...

i got back to houston on sunday night. but before i discuss that, i must mention a little friday/saturday side trip i took to one of california's coastal communities: fort bragg.

not to be confused with the military base of the same name in north carolina, fort bragg is a small town that can be found four hours west of chico. although only 106.1 miles from the chico motel i stayed at, one finds themselves in fort bragg after several hours of winding one lane roads through mountainous areas and a thick forest known as mendocino national forest. now, because i am from texas, and used to national forests being a somewhat barricaded area a la the sequoias and yosemite, which are technically national parks, i was met with some very strange looks and rolled eyes when i asked a group of people native to "the bragg," "how far is the mendocino national forest?" they thought i was retarded, because, unbeknownst to me, i drove through the frikkin' forest to get to fort bragg. hell, i didn't know! i was assuming that should the stupid forest manifest itself in front of me, that i would be greeted with a huge sign or placard stating, YOU ARE HERE: THE MENDOCINO NATIONAL FOREST. BE KIND TO WOODLAND CREATURES. PS. HOPEFULLY YOU DON'T GET CAR SICK OR SCARED OF POTENTIALLY DRIVING OFF CLIFFS!

seriously, i thought there would be more pride in or publicizing of the forest. maybe there wasn't, because, you know, yosemite and the sequoias take up all the glory.

anyway, so the purpose of my trip was to visit my friend jodi, who was not only one of my classmates once (conservation), but also one of my students when i TAed the exhibit installation class for the maidu exhibit. her birthday was on april 4th, so, after meeting dr. schaefer, who suggested it would be good to visit jodi (and also echoed jodi's sentiment that "the coast is lovely this time of year") that afternoon for lunch, i thought i would drive the 106.1 miles to see her. being from texas, where everyone drives about 10 miles over the speed limit, i thought the trip was doable. 106.1 miles divided by 77 miles an hour...i assumed i would be in fort bragg in a little over two hours. yeah right! it wasn't until i got to CA-20 that i realized i might have my next birthday before i got to fort bragg.


now, four hours...in my mind, that's like houston to san antonio, and you're pretty much driving anywhere between 77 and 80 the whole time. keeping that in mind, i guess the drive wouldn't have been so bad if the roads weren't ONE LANE to share with semis filled with safeway products, bulldozers, and grandmas driving cadillacs. oh, and a portion of 20 right after you get to some hills off of I-5, well, it's under construction or something, so that slows you down too. the snail's pace speed limit and the twisty roads don't help much either. if i hadn't already sworn up and down to jodi that i was going to see her on her birthday (and if i hadn't hyped up my gift to her...a dvd that, it turns out, she'd already seen!!!), i would have just said, "oh, how scenic. that's nice," then taken a few pictures of the hills, turned the car around, and headed back to chico. some friend i am, huh?

well, as i drove through lucerne (the switzerland of america! no joke, that's what the welcome sign read), the thermometer in the car started to dip down. when i left chico, it was about 74 degrees (it warmed up about 20 degrees throughout the days i spent in chico. i landed in california and it was 51. when i left for houston, it was about 73). well, due to, i guess, the proximity to the water, the temperature started dropping. when i hit the town of willits (gateway to the redwoods, and 33 miles to fort bragg), the thermometer read 59. in fort bragg, it read 47. i usually love cold weather, but only when i'm prepared for it. when i prance around god knows where in 47 degree weather with chilling winds and only a hoodie for warmth, i hate it.

the road from willits to fort bragg was hell. my palms were so sweaty by the time i discovered fort bragg, because i was gripping the steering wheel so hard, due to my fear on the mountains that i was going to drive off a cliff, or be rammed into by oncoming traffic. and, to make matters worse, i didn't so much as care about getting into a car accident than i did about getting into a wreck while driving a rental car. oh yeah, but i was to blame for any accrued accidents, because, yet again, i engaged in dangerous activity...there i was, scared of driving the rental car off a cliff, yet taking pictures of the forest and road with my digital camera and cell phone. you see, despite being terrified of the drive, i practically sacrificed my life to capture and fit the beauty of the forest into a picture frame. example:


anyway, fort bragg is nice. it reminded me of galveston, only the water was more beautiful, as it was blue and not the dumping ground for the mississippi river, and there seemed to be more to the local culture. you know, artisans and such who are into creating a local scene, rather than integrating starbucks and mcdonald's into the happening places to be.


luckily, jodi didn't have to work, so, as soon as i got to town, she and her family invited me to an italian dinner at a place called d'aurellio's. it was nice, but it seemed a bit strange for a portuguese woman to be running an "authentic" italian restaurant. whatever. the food was good, and the portions were BIG.

after dinner, jodi and her dad wanted to peruse some local art galleries during an event called "first friday," which is locally known as the first friday of the new season when the galleries change their featured works. i liked the stuff. none of it seemed smug, insane, or unaffordable. one of the reasons why i don't go on similar outings in houston, is because you walk into a local gallery, look at photos or reproductions of works by local artists, and you discover that the one piece you like is $1000!!! how in the hell am i supposed to support the local houstonian art scene when i have to pay $1000 for something that is either the size of a pinhead, or not even the real piece? and all those starving artist sales and shit i see commercials for on tv...all that stuff looks like i could go to garden ridge or michael's to buy. $1000. ridiculous and so unjustified. very unreasonable.

by the time jodi, her dad (who i adore, by the way...he seems like a humble, modest man, who is content with his life. he doesn't complain about anything. he was such a kind person, who you can tell has led an interesting life.), and myself got back to her house (oh, jodi lives with her parents and sister again), it was about 10pm, and, according to her mom, "time for jodi to go out." lovely. i knew that it was her birthday and all, but i honestly was under the impression that her birthday would be celebrated with dinner with her family. that's how it happens at my house. but no. jodi wanted to go out. to a pub. and a bar. ugh. she asked me if i wanted to stay at her house, and i told her i did. i wasn't kidding. i wanted to stay home with her parents and watch dateline NBC on tv, lay on the couch, and sleep. i wanted to be an old person! after driving four hours and facing the bitter cold of the coast, i was exhausted. but, i think she thought i was being cute, because plans were made for her friend alison to come over and hatch a saturday night birthday plan. apparently, they'd been celebrating jodi's borthday all week, and, being the last day of the week, they wanted to savor all 24 hours of jodi's actual birth day. they decided to head over to a pub called patterson's, and another bar called dick's.

while jodi and i waited for alison, we colored one of those velvet kiddie pictures of dora the explorer dressed like a pirate, proclaiming "explore the high seas!" in both english and spanish. i should have taken a picture of it. anyway, alison showed up about an hour later, and there was some debate as to who should drive everyone. i was involuntarily assigned designated driver status, but being exhausted, on texas time, and unfamiliar with the area, i did not want to be responsible for driving around drunk people in the dead of night (why did it seem like there were no lights in fort bragg?). i'm so selfish and horrible. in my exhaustion and being forced to go out, i didn't care if i lived or died, or if anyone else did for that matter. but really, i hate when the local californians make the visiting texan drive. my roommates in chico did it, and, it appeared that jodi and alison were fond of that game too.

alison didn't seem too pissed to have to drive...i'm not sure if it's because she wanted to get going and get her drink on, or if she really did prefer to drive. well, before hitting the pub, the car had to swing by dave's house to pick up dave, who looked like a nice, young version of kevin smith, although, i don't know if the tape at the bridge of his glasses was an emo fashion statement, or really holding his glasses together. not that it looked bad. i actually didn't realize there was black duct tape on his glasses until three hours into the night. anyway, the first place we stopped at after picking up dave was patterson's pub in mendocino, which, i guess is the town right next to fort bragg.

patterson's is a pretty cool little place. really nice on the outside, and, in addition to the bar, had popcorn, a water cooler, and free internet on the inside. i guess they take care of sober people there too. the place was about to close (12am), so jodi, dave, and alison just made last call. they bought drinks, and we settled down under a moose head that adorned the wall. i left my camera in the rental car, so the only photo i have here is from the internet:


anyway, it was a cool pub, because it was in a house. i was impressed, because i haven't seen anything like that in houston before. two guys named cort, and something else, came in right when the pub was shutting down. they knew jodi and her posse, and sat down next to our table. they asked what everyone's plans were for the night, and i desperately tried to send everyone vibes to say, "nothing. just heading home after this." i thought my plan was working when cort said, "dick's is dead." sweet! back to jodi's house!

nope. wrong! after finishing their alcohol, and saying bye to cort plus one, who were headed home, we did go to dick's. and it wasn't dead.


(photo from the internet...when i saw dick's for the first time, it was pitch dark outside)

for some reason, despite the cold, we spent the first 15 minutes standing outside watching some man both verbally abuse and praise his bull mastiff. dave smoked. a drunk guy acted like a third grader with jodi, and wanted to know why she wasn't wearing her "swoncho" (apparently, they knew each other). alison bummed a cigarette off of a man who then offered me a "cowboy killer" too. i was just freezing and tried to make small talk and not seem like a killjoy.

thankfully, alison got cold, and i followed her inside. jodi and dave followed. they ordered alcohol again, and we sat at a table, watching the "local color." after some chit chat, dave announced that he needed to get to an atm. since dick's didn't operate with a tab system, dave needed cash. everyone got up, and jodi told me to come along on their "errand." if only the fort bragg definition of errand meant "going to the post office." hell no. it meant "find a bench outside to smoke weed." yep, my second encounter with californians and their drugs.

alison pulled out an altoid tin, and from the tin came a compacted ziploc bag with herb in it. fun. jodi's contribution to this event was a pipe. yay! alison packed the pipe, lit it, took a hit, then passed it to jodi, who then passed it to dave, who then passed it to me. i was freezing, had my hands stuffed into the pocket of my hoodie, and didn't even reach for the pipe to pass to alison, who was sitting next to me, when i said, "i'm good, thanks." i just wanted them to find this damn atm so we could go inside. i wasn't pissed that they were doing drugs behind the bar. i wasn't even pissed that they lied to me and called their drug use and errand. i was just pissed that i was freezing and now had to spend at least the next 15-30 minutes outside on some random street in downtown mendocino. we weren't even hiding! luckily, the wind made it hard for the smoke to draw attention to us.

after taking two hits each, everyone considered their need for recreational drugs fulfilled, and they started walking to an atm, whereever it was. i followed, but then we passed a place called the kelly house (a historic home). jodi exclaimed that only i would appreciate the home as a museum studies person interested in cultural heritage preservation and collection, so she told dave and alison to go to the atm while she gave me a tour of the house. jodi proceeded to go on a rather amusing rant about the significance of the place, their cold storage facility, and why she might never be able to leave her roots. it was another side to her i thought i would never see. she was clearly stoned, but i completely understood what she meant about the house and her county. luckily, dave and alison came back 15 minutes later, because i honestly thought that in her drug-induced stupor, jodi was going to break into the place, and i would then have an arrest on my permanent record.

once we stepped foot back into dick's, jodi and alison went to the bathroom and pulled me in. they then laughed and giggled about how the marijuana was really strong. their eyes were bloodshot, and alison took out a bottle of what can only be described as windex out of her tiny purse, and proceeded to douse herself to rid her body and clothes of the scent of pot. apparently, her parents would kill her if they smelled anything other than cigarettes in the car.

alison got a bottle of water from the bar, and we went outside again, so she could sober up. i guess their high was dissipating, because all of a sudden they seemed depressed. dave went out for a smoke, and a line of four children (seriously, they couldn't have been older than 13) tried to get into the back door of the bar. it was funny, because they were trying to be smooth by greeting us a good evening and everything. they didn't get in. to make small talk, i started telling everyone about an episode of "it's always sunny in philadelphia," where the bar owners on the show discover that everyone at their bar is underage, with a fake id. my retelling of the episode got a laugh out of alison and jodi, but i'm not sure if they were still high or what.

the bartender then came out of the back door, saw me, and said, "i know everyone here, but i don't know you. are you 21? i'm only asking, because the cops just drove past." i nodded and handed him my id, which i'd had in my hoodie pocket since patterson's. he was impressed with my preparedness, but then said, "wow...don't worry. i'm 33." i'm still not entirely sure what that meant.

well, about half an hour of us freezing outside, alison said she would rather chit chat over a chocolate milkshake at denny's than freeze her ass off in the back of dick's, so we decided to leave. all of a sudden, jodi realized that she had the breakfast shift at the restaurant where she works, so she would have to bow out of the prolonged festivities. alison asked me if i was going to go to jodi's house or go to denny's with her and dave. i was flattered by their politeness to include me in their outing without jodi, but i said i would go with jodi. with jodi and i out of the game, dave decided that he too was going to head home. so, alison dropped all of us off.

at jodi's house, she made the couch up for me, and i happily went to sleep in some borrowed pajamas.

the next morning, jodi left for work, but told me she would be back by 11am. i was in and out of sleep after she left, and honestly didn't know how to act at her house with just her parents and sister. they're so nice, but i didn't want to be a burden, so i waited for everyone to leave to attend to their respective obligations before i got out from under the covers and took a shower. after the shower, i folded the blankets jodi let me use, wrote a thank you card to her parents, and prepared to leave. although i was going to wait for jodi to return to her house, i had plans to leave fort bragg by noon, so i could make it back to chico by 4pm. i still had to meet with my thesis formatter and pick up stuff from trader joe's and the university bookstore to give to my mom and brother as gifts.

when jodi returned, she had breakfast from the restaurant and made me some tea. i'm always impressed by jodi's ability to make tea. it seems so simple: boil water, pour water, add tea bag, but when she follows those directions, the tea comes out like it's gourmet or something. anyway, i sipped the tea and read her father's sports illustrated while she took a shower. her mother and father returned home from coaching a t-ball game, and i was able to talk to them for a bit. before i left, jodi wanted to show me some fort bragg nature, so she drove me to a spot where we walked along a trail that ran along the cliff of a beach, and then we followed another trail to the pygmy forest.



i have always felt somewhat of a connection to trees, so i took a lot of pictures of real trees that i felt i would never see again, since they are somewhat absent from my life in houston. i also discovered the black and white function on my camera, so became obsessed with finding my inner ansel adams, and took pictures of trees and vegetation along the trail. i saw my first banana slug too.






unfortunately, jodi got lost leaving the pygmy forest, which wasn't as interesting to see as it was to hear about (which is why i don't have pictures of it), so i ended up leaving fort bragg at around 315pm. by the time i got to chico, it was 7pm. but jodi told me that she appreciated my visiting her. i did enjoy the hike we took, and i am actually still sore from it. the trees were beautiful. i had a horrible drive to make back to chico, but it was nice to see jodi again.

now, saturday night, when i got back to chico, i took a shower, started packing, made sunday midmorning plans to meet up with heather, and then fell asleep. i was pooped. i had every intention of heading to trader joe's for some more vegan trail mix cookies to bring on the plane, and some dark chocolate raisins for my mom, but at around 645am, my mom called to ask when my flight got in to houston. i told her my flight from chico was at 5pm, so i would get to houston at 11pm. this didn't sit right with her, so she had me double check, and it turned out that my flight was at noon! i immediately called heather and we agreed to meet up at 8am. i quickly took a shower, packed, and burned my thesis onto a cd for my formatter. i wanted to drop the cd off before meeting heather for coffee and to talk to her one last time face-to-face before her defense, but the stupid motel office was closed and i couldn't check out. 24/7 service my ass! i had to return an iron and give back my room key, so i knocked on the door and rang the doorbell, but no one ever came out to help me. i ended up just putting the iron by the door and leaving. hopefully my credit card doesn't get charged an abandonment fee.

coffee with heather was bittersweet. it hit me that after i return for graduation next month, i might never go back to chico, and i might never see heather again. i was bummed. and stupid me, i forgot to get a picture of the two of us. i even forgot to get a picture of melanie, jodi, dr. fox, dr. schaefer, and adrienne.

but, anyway, so i just wanted to write about my last days in california, and share some pictures. here's hoping there aren't too many typos...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

"what a feeling....

(...bein's believin'..." okay, so i'm not a welder by day/stripper by night. and if you're too young to understand that reference, you suck.)

anyway, i dropped by dr. fox's office today to pick up the third draft of my thesis from her. she thinks the content is solid and there are only a few minor revisions to make, and it's mostly for stuff i changed from the last draft: a semicolon instead of a comma, a letter that was accidentally capitalized...that kind of thing.

she commented that i looked more relaxed than ever. true. i had a good day today. a refreshing day.

this morning i met heather for coffee and a walk through upper bidwell park. we talked about defenses, work, life, and ambivalence. it's always nice to talk to heather. i wish i could attend her defense, or at least read her thesis. it's about museums and how some of them are going green. really interesting, timely, and relevant, and heather is a great writer. i really feel lucky that heather and i are friends. she and i started the program together, and, strangely enough, we are the second and third of our cohort to defend and get our M.A.s. whenever i think about and realize that, it surprises me. out of nine people, only three saw it through to the end. and the fact that i was one of the nine accepted into the grad program (of 22 applicants)...wow.

when i got here, the cohort's rundown was thus:
archaeology-helene (who knows?), jonathan (done), greg (dropped out)
physical anthropology-erica (dropped out; married greg), teresa (left to take a job with a coroner's office), alicia (dropped out to pursue art)
museum studies-heather (will be done), mike (left to get a law degree, but apparently has simultaneously been working on a thesis for museum studies at the same time. i don't know how that works--pursuing higher education and two different schools at the same time. i hate mike, by the way.), me (will be done)

no one was accepted to pursue cultural anthropology at the time.

we weren't a very social group. each subdiscipline tended to stick to their fellow people. heather, mike, and i didn't hang out though. mike was creepy, and heather seemed like she really knew everyone else. it wasn't until heather and i worked on an exhibit together that we really got to know each other. we worked on two other exhibits together after that, and have since had many, many classes and hit many, many milestones alongside each other.

she's always been there for me, and has always been very kind and open with me, and i feel like she cares, so i have always tried to be there for her as well. we call, write, and email each other a lot, so it's nice to know that we are able to keep in touch. i really value her friendship. when i left heather, it was hard knowing that i would never get another opportunity to go to her boyfriend keith's house to eat, or to her house to leave or pick things up from her porch, or have coffee with her. i (will) miss her.

anyway, today i also met up with my former roommate, rachel, who is now a special ed teacher at a school in yuba city. i don't really think i left chico on good terms with her, but it seems like she was okay with me, and we seemed to fall back into place. i mean, she wouldn't have met up with me if she hated me, right?

again, chico was a good place for me. i grew up here, in a way, and experienced a lot. i found out who i am. i met people, i lost people, i laughed, i cried. i had really wonderful moments, and i had a devastating moment.

i like chico as it is now. as it has been for the past four years. i don't want it to change. this place means a lot to me, and i can't believe that come the end of may, i might never have reason to come back here.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

details...

you already know the outcome of my defense, but, i thought i'd relive the day.

although i will have to make minor revisions to my thesis before sending it to my formatter, the hard part is over. this is the first time in a LONG time that i haven't worried about making time to work on it, or do a little more research.

my defense ran from 930am-1215pm. i presented my thesis information in the form of a powerpoint presentation for about an hour. i rehearsed my presentation the night before, but there was one area i seemed to not be comfortable with, and during my actual presentation, it showed. it also didn't help that i knew that was the most important part and i let my nerves get the best of me. however, it was my research and i did know what i was talking about. i was there.

after the presentation, the floor was open to questions. i got a two-part question from a guest who showed up midway into my presentation, but most of the questions came from my committee. they took turns asking me about my experiences, statistics, theoretical models, and study site. i had prepared for the worst when it came to questions, and i thought they'd nit-pick and tear my methodology apart. their questions were very reasonable, and i did have an honest and actual answers for them. i've never really been a good BSer, so that also worked in my favor. dr. schaefer seemed to like the two theoretical models i chose to guide my research. dr. fox said i showed some forward thinking in choosing a model that was from the business world, and applying it to a nonprofit, and then further applying it to a museum. that was a relief to know, as i thought they'd kill me for not choosing a theoretical framework pulled straight from anthropology or the museum field. dr. fox did think that the title of my thesis was inspired by margaret mead's "coming of age in samoa," since my thesis title starts off with "coming of age in the museum..." she thinks anthropology reaches the deep recesses of my brain :)

after questions, we then discussed the job i will start after graduation, and they called me one of their "success stories." because of this, they've asked me to write a piece for the department's newsletter, the museum of anthropology's newsletter, and something for IRA, which i believe is an organization that helps fund some programs on campus, including the museum of anthropology. i really do believe that the hands-on classes and activities we do in the museum studies classes allowed me to apply principle to practice. before coming to chico, my resume was pretty much a blank piece of paper. through the classes and work opportunities dr. schaefer and dr. fox gave me, i think i look good on paper. i mean, the ocean star likes me, right?

we talked so much about the thesis and the job, that i forgot i still had to leave the room for my committee to discuss awarding me the degree. after everything, i still had doubts. again, i'd heard from people that they take forever to decide. i only had enough time to wash my hands in the bathroom before i heard dr. fox call me from down the hallway to return. when i walked back into the room, both of them were standing and dr. fox said, "trina, congratulations. we would like to award you a master of arts degree in anthropology with an emphasis in museum studies." i was really excited, and all of us hugged and signed papers. dr. schaefer asked me to visit her museum administration class later in the day to talk about my thesis and new job, to sort of encourage them to see that the museum studies program is worthwhile.

so that was my day yesterday. after three and a half years of classes and a year away to work and do my thesis, everything worked out in the end.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

hooray for moi!!!

i did it.

i ain't no april fool!

as of 12pm today, i have a master's degree.

today was not only one of my luckiest days, but i also felt like i really accomplished something. i did this, and i did it myself. i own this.

Monday, March 31, 2008

yikes!

tomorrow is the big day. in 24 hours, i will be saying the first sentence in the presentation of my thesis research (hopefully to just my committee, and not a major crowd of 40 people).

right now, i'm proofreading my thesis and gathering information from it to put together a powerpoint presentation. yeah, i know...i'm STILL working on my thesis?!!! i'm just really scared. i hope to have it all put together and ready by mid day today, so i can print it off at kinkos and stick it in a binder. i just want to relax and practice my presentation.

anyway, when i'm not in my motel room working on my thesis, i'm driving around town. sadly, everywhere i see and feel him. i was hoping for a "good luck" call or something, or a change of heart. nada. being freinds goes both ways, right? so, don't friends call each other up and say, "good luck tomorrow?" especially when it isn't just some regular generic luck you're wishing on some regular generic day? this is my friggin' thesis defense! this one presentation is what the past four years comes down to. i was in chico this whole time for this very moment. i was able to meet him because of this moment.

i understand that when relationships are new, you don't think properly, and you're mind is consumed with getting this person to like you (so that you can eventually get in their pants, i guess), but i hope that i meant something to him in those two years and that i'm a nice enought person to be cared about. i mean, hell, i'm sending congratulatory cards and gifts to him all the time to say, "yay, you! yay for getting a new car/job/apartment/being you/being alive/etc."

i don't know, i think that in this screwed up world i live in, i'd like to think that i matter to someone, that i made my mark somewhere, and someone will think of me. and i don't mean my mom or dad or brother. i'd like to think that when he does little things, like, washes the dishes, puts on a shirt i gave him (unless he's thrown out everything i ever touched), or reads "entertainment weekly," he thinks of me and remembers something winsome or endearing about me. i want to know that should anything ever happen to me, i mattered. to someone.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

a new obssession...part deux


i went to mass this morning to pray for a good defense. the newman center was the only church-type place here in chico i felt comfortable with my religious worship. the priest seemed open and caring, and not so traditional and strict. father mike at the newman center wore shorts under his robe and always remembered that i was a texan. he never did homilies about how all of us are doomed to go to hell, be us loose women, muslims, homosexual, alcoholics, or junkies. unlike those "saviors" who would come to campus and congregate at the free speech area twice a year and lecture the students about how CSUC was the devil's playground.

anyway, the newman center has a different priest whose name, i kid you not, is blaise. today, in the homily, he told us that he needed to get better at doing his prayers of devotion. any priest who can admit his imperfections and seem like he's just like me is a-okay.

after mass, i had every intention of going to my storage unit to get a jacket and some extra clothes. i didn't realize it was going to be cold here still. yeah, i went to school here for three and a half years, but i don't ever remember it being this cold in april. cool, but not cold. i guess i forgot to put my storage lock key in my bag, because i didn't have it. so, i hit up the trader joe's again for some food.



i still have a salad and the cranberry pumpkin loaf left to eat, but i thought i would need something more. i decided to get a few things that would last through the end of the week, so i wouldn't have to go out to a fast food place. fast food and restaurants are pretty expensive here, so i'm trying to avoid them. anyway, so, today, i bought a bag of vegan trail mix cookies (soooooo good!), a BBQ chicken salad, a tuna sandwich on multigrain bread, 5 layer dip, some organic carrots with organic buttermilk ranch dip, celery with peanut butter dip, and a bag of unsalted organic white corn tortilla chips. i can't wait to eat lunch.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

pizza, pizza...

i did it. after a year and a half, i went to celestino's and ordered a slice of godfather. it looks a bit strange, but, i swear, it is delicious (and i don't even like tomatoes!).


i was introduced to this pizza by my friend heather in the fall of 2004. she and i were student-curating the museum of anthropology's national photo show ("rhythm of culture"). we'd been at the museum all day, and by 4pm, we were starving. she asked if i would be interested in a pizza, and i said sure. she asked about toppings, and i really didn't care at that point, because i was so hungry. about half an hour later, the pizza arrived at the museum, and she brought it to the museum kitchen/library. i must admit, when she opened the box, i was a little shocked and dejected that it didn't have pepperoni on it. heather is a vegetarian, and it didn't dawn on me until after she opened the box that there never would be pepperoni on the pizzas heather orders.

anyway, i didn't want to hurt her feelings, so i took a slice (and the slices are pretty big...i barely finished the slice i ordered today!), and nibbled a bit off the end. not bad. that nibble turned into huge botes, and i ended up finishing the entire piece. the slice satisfied my stomach, and it definitely becamse easier to finish mounting the photos in the gallery with a full belly. we finished mounting the photos, positioning the gallery lights, and arranging the furniture at around 830pm, and decided the exhibit was ready, and we could leave.

since heather rode her bike to the museum, there was no way she could carry the pizza box home, so she asked if i wanted to bring it back to my place. the pizza was good, and i was a typical college student (still am), so there was no way i'd pass up free food, espceially pizza! i also assumed that my roommates would appreciate being fed. so, when i got back to my place, i put the box on top of the stove with a note on it that read, "have a slice. enjoy!"

well, about half an hour later, i hear one of my roommates loudly declare, "eww...that's nasty! if your pizza's moldy, throw it away!" this roommate, kelli, didn't realize that what she thought looked like mold was actually pesto. after i told her that, she decided to try a slice. another roommate, rachel, also took a slice, and since then, rachel and i have always ordered a slice of godfather at celestino's. it's so good.

the end.

the more things change...


so, i am back in chico for my defense. it's slightly depressing, yet also somewhat comforting being back in this town.

it's depressing because i remember when i was happy here. now it seems pretty lonely. things have changed here, and they've changed without me knowing. i feel slightly disconnected from this place, even though it's been a big part of the last four and a half years of my life.

roaming around this place, i haven't seen anyone familiar. it's strange. everyone seems new, things seem new, and no one knows who i am. i didn't leave my mark. i am inconsequential.

it's comforting to know that i know this place--what it really is, where it really is. i was able to drive here from the sacramento airport on autopilot. i got here without really thinking, "how do i get there?" it took me a little under two hours.

as i passed the "welcome to chico" sign, i was still on autopilot. i was able to turn where i needed to turn, and i ended up right where i needed to me. on esplanade. i feel like i know my way around chico more than i do houston.


the first place i hit up was trader joe's for something to eat. trader joe's is a cool little grocery store that is sort of like a whole foods, without being trendy. the prices are reasonable, and the food is awesome. the servings aren't big, but it's not like you need another helping after you finish what's on/in your plate/bowl/container.



i bought two salads, some BBQ chicken pinwheels, a loaf of cranberry pumpkin bread, some iced tea lemonade, dark chocolate covered raisins, and a strawberry yogurt parfait. all trader joe's brand. before your eyes bug out, i plan on eating this stuff over the course of a few days. except tonight. tonight i plan to go to celestino's--a pizza place right on the edge of campus--for a slice of the best pizza ever, a slice of godfather. the godfather pizza is made with pesto, sun-dried tomatoes, and a type of cheese i always forget the name of. the pizza looks a bit weird, but it's good. i'll take a picture of it later.

my defense is on tuesday. i just keep telling myself that: dr. fox and dr. schaefer are on my side. they wouldn't have me defend if i weren't ready. the defense is an initiation, a rite of passage. a formality. they won't deny me my degree. i will get it, and i WILL graduate. i will be proud of myself, as i did this entire M.A. thing my own. i made a life for myself here. i got the jobs here, found love here, found my own family of friends here. i found myself here.

here's to tuesday...hope everything goes right.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

stressball...

with my thesis defense being about a week and a half away, i am stressed out beyond belief. i need something--ANYTHING--to get my mind off of the terror i feel.

perhaps the boys of diggnation can help...

Saturday, March 15, 2008

irksomeness 101...

• comedy series that have laugh tracks...i don't like when a program indicates when i am supposed to laugh. my sense of humor is drastically different from conventional sitcoms.
• when people either don't put their signal light on when they turn, or people who never turn their signal light off.
• people who are incapable of admitting imperfection.
• people who name their children jagger.

Friday, March 14, 2008

matt and me...


a picture of matt nathanson and i, taken in march of 2004.





his latest video for come on get higher can be seen here: http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/MattNathanson/Come-On-Get-Higher--58270857

fierce...

Friday, February 29, 2008

i hate being right...

my suspicions were correct, and now i am down in the dumps. i may have been a rebound girl for two years. stories keep changing and i don't know where the new conflicts and plots come from. i don't know if i ellicit fear in the one person i love and would do anything for, and that's why these things happen. i don't know if my not being next to him physically, and, therefore, emotionally, makes these things happen. i have no real answers, and i get none in return. i have many, many questions. ultimately, my constant whys leave me depressed and confused.

i want someone to love me, not because they have to, but because they choose to. i want a connection to someone on this planet--a connection that wasn't created by birth or blood. i want someone to love and take care of, someone to share the world with.

i'm tired of being alone and lonely, especially now when i seem to be surrounded by people who are engaged, married, having babies. in situations where i am around all of that, which seems to be all the time, my singledom appears to be magnified. it's all too much, especially for me and the culture i've been brought up in. i can't go on the internet or turn on the tv without being bombarded by news of some celebrity or celebretard getting married or creating offspring. i also can't go to a simple family gathering without being asked when i'm going to get married, regardless of first asking whether i have a boyfriend or not.

sadly, i fear i am turning into one of those desperate women who wants love and will take it in whatever form it manifests itself. again, i just want a caring human connection, and i don't want to be a sad, desperate cow. i think the potential depseration comes from feeling young, but being biologically old, if i listen to doctors and medical professinals in books and television. after 27, my chances of having a seriously damaged child begins to grow exponentially, and i don't know if i could handle having an imperfect child, in a perfect-centric filipino culture. i mean, hell, i'm imperfect by still being in school, and i get a lot of criticism and scrutiny for that. a child with downs syndrome, 11 fingers, or red hair would get 100x more for that, and that scares me.

i'm not saying that i want a baby, but i do want to be loved, but having a baby just to have someone to need me is sick. i acknowledge that, and i sure as hell wouldn't want to force anyone to need or want me, regardless if they would otherwise be helpless. i'd just like to know that should i leave this world behind, that something of me would remain and remind the world that i existed. i may not have done what i was meant to do, or i may have been invisible, but i want to leave something of hope and potential greatness behind. whether that be a child, a piece or art, a blog, i don't know. we'll never know.

there is a line in some movie i recently saw, about it not being who you are with but when you are with someone that leads you to want to be with that person forever. for example, it's not someone bringing out the best in you that leads you to get married, but, rather, that there is a time in everyone's life when a switch gets turned on and they are ready. and whoever they just so happen to be with at that moment is the person they are with forever.

i want to be that person for the one person who seems to be the source of my incessant questions. i want to be that person to the one who makes me cry every night while i question my self worth. i want to be that person because we made sense and everything seemed wonderful. i want to be that person because i remember being happy with him after being unhappy or melancholy for a good period of my life. i want to be that person for him because i love him just the way that he is.

but i don't know why that person can't see that. i don't know why me as i am isn't enough.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

think tank...

sometimes i wish i didn't think so much. i drive myself crazy with my thoughts. for example, i was going to go somewhere out of state soon, and i was invited to stay with someone, which got me excited. but, two days ago, i happened upon this someone's social networking site, and saw two pictures of this person with another person, and now i am confused by the invitation.

my brother says they are just friends. my friend cesar says that if they aren't kissing, it's nothing to be obsessing about. but can't body language and facial closeness be an indicator that there is something there? granted, i don't know who this person in the pictures is, but i have pictures of myself with the inviter, and our faces are close, and we were in love.

i had my hopes up, and now they are not only ripped to shreds, but also torn into millions of little pieces and set on fire upon anthills where all of the tiny organisms scramble around trying to create normalcy again.










in not so depressing news, i wish i had a talent like the creator of the first video below. watch both video at the same time to best appreciate the effort...



Sunday, February 17, 2008

more favorite things...

two days ago, i discovered a wonderful genre of films, of which i am now a HUGE fan: mumblecore!

i watched hannah takes the stairs last night, and it is definitely my kind of film. i'm trying to find an audio recording of "1812 for 2006," just so i can use it as my ringtone. you can hear the song at the beginning of the trailer:



i'm very interested in what else the director, joe swanberg, has created.

so...i can't remember what was on my long list of favorites, but just in case papa-sans, ticket stubs, blockbuster total access, and celestial seasonings gingerbread tea aren't on there, they should be.

oh, and if i really do move, i need this:

Thursday, February 14, 2008

i LOVE this!!!

again...Diggnation brought this to my attention:

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

so bad...

courtesy of Diggnation...

17



the kids i tutor should be scared.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Monday, February 04, 2008

freedom...


so, a week ago, i mailed my thesis to dr. fox.

it's weird. for the past five years, i have done nothing but think about doing a thesis. this is the first time in a LONG time that i haven't had to do any major thinking about it. for the past seven days, i haven't had to come home and write anything. wow.

in the end, the thesis was 193 pages (103 pages of text and 90 pages of references and appendices). i'm sure, after rewrites, the thesis won't grow to more than five extra pages. however, after formatting and binding, the thing may end up being anywhere between 250 and 300 pages. i've never actually looked for the biggest thesis in the university library, so i have no idea how the graduate school will handle my massive tome. hopefully i won't be chastized for it.

but, anyway, i'm proud of what i've written. five years of classes, internships, and work all culminating in this one paper. the biggest moment of my life...so far. the other day, i talked to my favorite uncle, and proudly told him i finished. i expected congratulations or something, but, instead, i got the following response: "now you can get married."

what? are you kidding me?

i really feel like i'm being ostrasized by my family for having pursued academics, and not a husband. it's not like i purposely wanted to put a personal/romantic life on the backburner to learn more and increase my brainpower. i went into a grad program because my BA was useless. no one knew what the hell maritime studies was, and even the university couldn't tell me what i could do with the piece of paper they gave me. rather than sit around and be depressed and blame the school for my inability to get a job, i decided to go to grad school. bottom line: i went to grad school so i could get a job and become a functioning contributor to the GDP.

for family members to reduce my decision down to a method of putting off getting married is just maddening to me. because i don't want to be alone. i want to be in love. i want to have my own family. i just want to also be a full person who is not reliant on someone else for financial support and an identity. i want to contribute to the world.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

a sigh of relief...

my thesis, pending rewrites mandated by my committee, is done.

all 170 pages of it...

i'm amazed how smart i sound sometimes when i proofread some of what i've written. almost like, "where the hell did that come from?" like this passage:

Museums come in a variety of sizes, and cover a range of topics, but by extending missions to incorporate strategies that meet the five Cs (competence, confidence, character, connection, and contribution), the character of young people can be stimulated socially, emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally (Delgado 2002:173-176). By creating special programs that reach out to young people and engage them in developing their own five Cs, the myth that museums are boring and stuffy can be dispelled. A partnership between adult staff members at a museum and teenagers can help to change stereotypes about both groups. Museums can cease to be seen as sterile and irrelevant, and teenagers can take on a positive role within their community.

and this one:

The social nature of young people, and the emphasis placed upon their future endeavors may be explanations for the significant associations found for the three main reasons why young people volunteer in the program. Understanding these reasons for Ecoteen participation could aid in future activity development to help enhance the quality of the Ecoteen experience, and allow young people to develop their skills and talents in ways that are most appealing to college admissions officers. Over half of the young people surveyed indicated that they volunteered elsewhere, which could contribute to their overall opinions and feelings of the Moran Ecoteen Program. In this study, it was believed that those Ecoteens who most enjoy the program, and find it fulfilling and worthwhile, volunteer elsewhere. Being able to compare the program to another volunteer experience could help Ecoteens evaluate their experience volunteering for the Houston Museum of Natural Science; however, the museum can offer a museum-specific experience that can aid in the development of young people: interaction with adult visitors, museum professionals, and children. These three groups of people represent an area of Ecoteen participation that is slightly overlooked by program administrators and Ecoteen parents. These activities are important, as they are usually associated with adult employment, and stand in stark contrast to typical youth activities found at school, or elsewhere.

and this:

Creating a youth development program within an organization is a process that requires museum personnel to view their careers through a different lens. The Youth Science Center case study presents the challenges involved in implementing a youth program, from easing adult anxiety, planning program activities, and acquiring a physical space. The YSC also illustrates how many of the basic principles of service-learning and informal education can be adapted to museum work to guide and strengthen youth development programs (Roholt, Baizerman, and Steiner 2000:52). The theoretical frameworks described in chapter four put forth the ideas that inclusivity, a nonhierarchical structure, meaningful pragmatic activities, and a working partnership with adults are important characteristics of effective youth development programs. Both frameworks stress the latter component, and suggest that if the community in which these programs exist fosters and nurtures young people in these types of programs, their efforts may one day encourage these teenagers to give back to their community.

Surveys administered to people about the Moran Ecoteen Program suggest that, to outsiders, the program is valuable and important to the Houston Museum of Natural Science. There is a consensus among program participants that the program is valuable to them, as they are able to feel somewhat connected to the museum, while learning a lot about themselves in the process. Statistically, the program appears to be effective; however, observations of the program and youth development literature suggest that there is much to be improved before the Moran Ecoteen Program can be considered truly successful.

and my all-time favorite:

The hierarchical structure of the Moran Ecoteen Program appears to be the largest obstacle to the effectiveness of the program. With this type of structure in place, Ecoteens are painfully aware of their position in the museum, and are made to feel isolated and invaluable to HMNS. Consequently, the young people do not feel properly utilized, and yearn to make a bigger contribution to the museum. The nonhierarchical structure suggested by the New Organization Thinking framework would allow the museum and program to adapt quickly to meet the needs of Ecoteens. Shifting to this new structure facilitates the improvement of the three areas most in need of further development.

Monday, January 14, 2008

my guitar hero...

damn, do i want to play the guitar!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

happy birthday to me...

today is my 29th birthday. today i am starting my 30th year on earth. holy crap! i'm old, but i don't feel old. sometimes i look at myself and think, shouldn't i look haggish by now? i mean, i still get carded EVERYWHERE, and get the child price at the movie theatre. when i watch tv and a show reveals someone's age, i think, "what? i'm older than her, but she looks like she could be my mom!" it's very disturbing.

anyway, at work, i didn't really expect any of the kids to give me anything. i've been telling them all week that my birthday was on the 9th, and told them i wanted them to be good for my birthday. you see, we have this empty jar and a bag of marbles...and we use it as some kind of bribe for good behavior to get ALL of the kids to settle down and behave.

all of us have some problem kids, so vickie and erique came up with this jar. all 32 kids have to be good (with their partner) for 1/2 a marble, and since we can't cut the marbles in half, if one kid is good, and his/her partner is bad, then the pair doesn't get a marble for the jar. the goal is to get the kids to understand that filling up the jar relies on their behavior, as well as every other kids' behavior, since it's a community jar. basically, it'll get filled up faster if everyone behaves. when the jar gets full, all of the kids will get a prize, since they worked together to fill it up.

i though the jar was going to be pretty small, but no. it's an 8 quart jar, and after two days, there were four marbles in the jar! the kids just don't get that if all 32 kids are good for one day, 16 marbles can go into the jar, and if every kid is good for the whole week (we have a 4 day week), 64 marbles go into the jar. the size of the jar is pretty daunting, and the kids see it as never getting full, especially when they think it's only their jar (so many kids have asked me where the other groups' jars are). none of the kids understand fractions or anything, so the jar really isn't doing it's intended job.

i tried my best to get the kids to understand it, and used my birthday as a way to get them to behave, like i wanted their behavior to be a present to me, which i would then reward with a present to them. for some reason, my birthday had the opposite effect. it got them so hyped up that i was only able to give one marble away. plus, two of the kids gave me presents.

angeles gave me a small (but heavy) glass block that had the lady of guadelupe in it. my first thought when opening the gift, after, "oh, how sweet...and heavy!" was, "well, at least i'm catholic." but it was cute that this little girl went through some decision-making process and ended up giving that particular gift to me. she wrapped it in a paper towel, and put it in a zip-loc bag. i loved it.

brianna also gave me something. brianna is in the same class as angeles, but i see them one at a time. when i dropped angeles back at her class, and brianna saw me, instead of walking toward me, she went to her cubby. i was running late, so i asked her to hurry, and she playfully told me she was getting something. i saw her pull something white out of her hello kitty messenger bag, and i thought, "oh, yay! she drew me a picture!" i instantly pictured myself framing the picture and putting it above my bed.

when we walked in the hallway to our classroom, instead of a picture, she handed me an envelope with a note on it from her mother that read, "for: trina, from: brianna f*****, happy birthday! (*please take it. brianna wanted to buy this for you*)." i assumed it was a card, which i still appreciated. again, i thought it was cute. i told brianna thank you, and was really touched. i wanted to give her a hug, but, you know, that's kind of a no-no these days.

later, i opened the envelope, and the front read, "for someone special...hope your birthday finds you smiling..." the greeting finished inside with, "...all day long!" i also saw that inside the card brianna wrote a little message in her big left-handed handwriting, "thank you for all your help. happy birthday trina from brianna." it made me smile. brianna's mom also wrote a little something: "a small token for your help with brianna. she talks to us about you all the time. thank you for your book for her. enjoy your birthday! brianna's mom (blanca)." inside the envelope was a $25 gift card for chili's. i was shocked, and immediately wondered what to do...could they afford this, especially for someone who they don't even really know? am i ethically allowed to accept this gift? i mean, i don't want to insult anyone, and i don't really see this affecting my tutoring. i've always enjoyed tutoring brianna (as previous posts can illustrate), and seeing her at the school is one of the highlights of my day. i like her, and want her to improve and read like a pro.




i almost started crying when i opened her card. seeing her message, and then reading her mom's message...that was wonderful and really made my day. the gift card wasn't needed. i was happy with just the card, and already on a high from angeles's ziploc gift. again, i like this job. it's stuff like this, and feeling like i'm doing something good, that makes me glad i do what i do.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

birthday eve...

tomorrow is my birthday, and, this morning, i got the only thing i really wanted...a phone call. from someone i think about everyday, but am separated from (hopefully just through geographical distance).

i'd been wishing for the call all month long, and was very surprised to get it this morning right before i started at work. it was a lovely conversation, put a smile on my face, and got me through the day. i loved every minute of the conversation, especially the part when i was asked to call when i got home from work. that ALSO got me through the day.

anyway, i still haven't commented on the new year. 2006 ended poorly. 2007 was pretty lonely. i don't know what's in store for 2008, since i just go with the flow, or whatever. i don't usually make things happen...i just hope and try to put good vibes out there. but, this year, i actually have a chance to make something happen, that "something" being an M.A. placed in my hand. if only i could get the damn thesis done!

i had every intention of being done on the 1st. however, in my defense, and this may blow up in my face, i tend to do my best work at the last minute. something about the stress bring me clarity, and i get focused. tonight, for example, i added a few things to my fourth chapter (which has ballooned to 63 pages, so i may have to add 25 more pages to my estimated total) that i'd been wracking my brain about. i can't rush it, but i know i have to get the ball rolling before i start getting nasty emails from dr. fox...not that she's capable of nasty emails, but i don't want nasty thoughts or something. i fully intend to be done with a first draft this sunday, so i can mail it on monday. that way, dr. fox will have a full week and a half to two weeks to look over it before her new semester starts (jan. 28). i'd send her the garbage i have, but i want to give it a little flair and polish, just so she can identify some possibility for my having taken so long.

on a different note, i've been heavily listening to four songs on repeat all day:
Remember to Breathe, by dashboard confessional
a live version of When You were Young that the killers played at the mtv video music awards one year
a live and acoustic version of Chocolate by snow patrol, from some performance known as "live and acoustic at park avenue"
November, by azure ray, which i think was on an episode of grey's anatomy or something

Remember to Breathe: She fixes her lips/They always look perfect/Never a smudge line,never too much/I try on my blue shirt/She told me she liked it...once/She wonders what I'll wear/She knows just what she'll wear/She always wears blue/So sneakers or flip-flops?/I'm starting to panic, wait wait/Remember she asked you/Remember to breathe/And everything will be okay/Okay/Okay/Alright/Alright/Alright/ Alright/Alright.../Okay./

When You were Young:You sit there in your heartache/Waiting on some beautiful boy to/To save you from your old ways/You play forgiveness/Watch it now/Here he comes/He doesn't look a thing like Jesus/But he talks like a gentleman/Like you imagined/When you were young/Can we climb this mountain/I don't know/Higher now than ever before/I know we can make it if we take it slow/Let's take it easy/Easy now/Watch it go/We're burning down the highway skyline/On the back of a hurricane/That started turning/When you were young/When you were young/And sometimes you close your eyes/And see the place where you used to live/When you were young/They say the devil's water/It ain't so sweet/You don't have to drink right now/But you can dip your feet/Every once in a little while/You sit there in your heartache/Waiting on some beautiful boy to/To save you from your old ways/You play forgiveness/Watch it now/Here he comes/He doesn't look a thing like Jesus/But he talks like a gentleman/Like you imagined/When you were young/Ttalks like a gentleman/Like you imagined/When you were young/I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus/He doesn't look a thing like Jesus/But more than you'll ever know/

Chocolate:This could be the very minute/I'm aware I'm alive/All these places feel like home/With a name I'd never chosen/I can make my first steps/As a child of 25/This is the straw, final straw in the/Roof of my mouth falls as I lie to you/Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean/I didn't enjoy it at the time/You're the only thing that I love/It scares me more every day/On my knees I think clearer/Goodness knows I saw it coming/Or at least I'll claim I did/But in truth I'm lost for words/What have I done it's too late for that/What have I become, truth is nothing yet/A simple mistake starts the hardest time/I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time/

November:So I'm waiting for this test to end/So these lighter days can soon begin/I'll be alone but maybe more carefree/Like a kite that floats so effortlessly/I was afraid to be alone/Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be/All these faces none the same/How can there be so many personalities/So many lifeless empty hands/So many hearts in great demand/And now my sorrow seems so far away/Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain/But I turn them off and tuck them away 'till these rainy days that make them stay/And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs/And the words still ring, once here now gone/And they echo through my head everyday/And I dont think they'll ever go away/Just like thinking of your childhood home/But we cant go back we're on our own/Oh,but i'm about to give this one more/Shot/And find it in myself/I'll find it in myself/So were speeding towards that time of year/To the day that marks that you're not here/And i think I'll want to be alone/So please understand if I dont answer the phone/I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls/Until I can see nothing at all/Only particles some fast some slow/All my eyes can see is all I know/Ohh.../But I'm about to give this one more shot/And find it in myself/I'll find it in myself/


there's something about the lyrics, the music, the way the songs are performed...i don't know. i've just been in love with all of it today.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

a new obssession...

i'm addicted to this game:
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